Shun The Nonbeliever!

Me - Did you notice that the status from earlier got zero likes despite the fact that it involved you?

Brain - Yeah, but that's because you posted it in the middle of the day. Not enough people saw it.

Me - So there's no possibility that it didn't get likes because you aren't nearly as clever and interesting as you like to think.

Brain - You're being blasphemous. Stop it.

Me - You're not a god. Therefore I'm not blaspheming.

Brain - BLASPHEMER!

It Passes The Time

Brain - Hmmm, something about the gravitational force she exerts. That could work...
Me - Is there any reason in particular that you've spent the past fifteen minutes trying to come up with nerdy "your momma" jokes?
Brain - Bored. Writing court reports is me-numbingly boring.
Me - You could be doing something actually useful.
Brain - Nah.

Nope

Brain - Can we debate religious philosophy on Facebook?
Me - Just no.
Brain - But I wanna talk about...
Me - I said no Brain.
Brain - Why not?
Me - Because people get touchy when you start trying to poke holes in their religious beliefs.
Brain - But I have legitimate questions.
Me - Too bad.
Brain - I hate you.
Me - I've noticed.

!@#%$&*

Brain - Why are you always censoring me? Why don't you just say what I think?
Me - You're a sick, twisted, and often perverted thing. If I said everything you thought, I'd be unemployed, a social leper, and probably slapped on a regular basis.
Brain - But it'd be funny.
Me - Oh, I never said that the twisted things you think aren't hilarious. I just said they were unsuitable for sharing socially.
Brain - Lame.

Soulcrushing 101

Brain - Why'd you delete that status you just had fully written out?
Me - Because it was dumb and not funny.
Brain - None of your statuses are funny unless they include me. How was that one any different?
Me - Thank you for that confidence boost there, buddy.
Brain - It's what I'm here for. I specialize in soul-crushing reality checks, which would be useful if you had a soul to speak of.
Me - Just gets better every second with you.
Brain - You should type this up as a status. People will enjoy it.

Challenge Denied

An exchange after finding this photo:

Brain - Challenge accepted!
Me - Challenge definitely not accepted. Stop being creepy.
Brain - But it asked us to help expand the article.

Back Away Slowly

Sometimes being nice isn't about saying the right thing. There are times when it is all about not saying the wrong thing.

Brain - But I want to say it.
Me - No.
Brain - C'mon, it'll be hilarious.
Me - How about I just laugh to myself?
Brain - But your laughter alone won't sustain me. I wish to feed from the suffering and pain of others.
Me - You disgust me.
Brain - FEED ME!!!

Zzzzzzz

At the end of the workday.

Brain - Booyah! Off work, shutting down!
Me - Brain, I'm going to need you to stay active for a little while longer.
Brain - Whoa! I wanted to shut down at 2:30, but you said "We've got shit to do. Stay on till work is over." Well work is over, my friend.
Me - Brain, you're having me pull on a door you know we should be pushing on.
Brain - Fine! But this is the last thing.
Me - How about you stay on till after we're done driving home.
Brain - Bitch and moan. Bitch and moan.

Muahahahahaha!

Brain - George, do you realize it is 11:30 at night and your sitting in your apartment singing along to Dr. Horrible?
Me - Brain, it is called Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog for a reason.
Brain - And you say I'm the weird one.

What The F*#%?

Brain - You should totally post that as a status.
Me - No Brain. That will never be shared with the world.
Brain - Why not? It was hilarious.
Me - Even I found that to be offensive. Nobody should think that, let alone share it.
Brain - You are no fun at all.

A-Poke-alypse NOW!

Brain - Erica and Eileen have poked us. Return fire!
Me - Brain, I'm trying to read this article. I'll poke them back when I'm done.
Brain - NO! Poke them now! Poke them now! They will think us weak if we do not retaliate!
Me - *Sigh*

*Minutes later after Eileen has shared a video of people firing a cannon*

Me - See brain, you're not the only one who thinks strange things like that during poke wars.
Brain - Blasphemy! I am a special and unique snowflake.
Me - Umm, Brain, I hate to tell you, but they've learned that snowflakes aren't actually unique.
Brain - What? No! You lie!

Thanks For The Reminder

*As I finish the posting the previous comment.*

Brain - You do realize that you've just spent the better part of an hour on a Friday night collecting the various times you've had a public conversation with your own brain? I bet you feel just awesome about that.
Me - I do now, thanks Brain.

Brilliant!

Brain - "Hey, did you notice that Bailey did one of her things where she deleted a comment to change a word?"
Me - "Yeah, but I wasn't going to point it out because she always gives me 'The Look' when I do."
Brain - "But it's funny, you should point it out."
Me - "Fine, I'll point it out."
Brain - "Oh! And you can do it as one of our conversations just to annoy her."
Me - "That way we're doing something that annoys her while doing something she enjoys. Brilliant!"

THAT'S OUR HITLER!

*After a conversation with coworkers about musicals that culminated in The Producers.*

Brain - "You realize I'm going to be repeating 'Springtime for Hitler' for the rest of the day, right?"
Me - "I knew the risk when I had the conversation. Have at it."
Brain - "AND NOW IT'S... SPRINGTIME..."

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

*After seeing a quote from my favorite movie on a friend's Facebook status.*

Brain - We have to watch that now.
Me - Brain, we're in the middle of something else. Let's finish this first.
Brain - NO! Eternal Sunshine now!
Me - You're being childish.
Brain - I know you are, but what am I?
Me - You're going to keep doing this till I put in the damned movie aren't you?
Brain - Only one way to find out.

A Valid Question

Me - Brain, shut yourself off so we can get some sleep.
Brain - I don't wanna. I want to stay up thinking about the myriad ways life could be different and the mysteries of the cosmos.
Me - And I want five million dollars and a pony.
Brain - Oooh, I wonder what life would be like if we had five million dollars. Let's ponder it.

Let's Go To The Mall!

*After hours of having "Let's Go To The Mall" stuck in my head.*

Me - Brain, why have you been playing this on repeat for the past two hours?
Brain - I dunno, because I can.
Me - I hate you so much sometimes.

Putting My Foot Down

Me - Brain, we're going to bed at midnight tonight.
Brain - But I wanna stay up and do random things all night again! And c'mon, there are only two tiles left in the pot for our Words with Friends game with Rob.
Me - No Brain, you had your way last night. Tonight we're sleeping.
Brain - You suck.

No Spoilers

Me - Alright, time to put in a movie I've seen dozens of times and normally fall right asleep to.
Brain - Sounds like a plan.

*One hour later*

Me - Brain, why are we still awake?
Brain - I want to see what happens in this movie! *trollface*
Me - *heavy sigh*

It's Twue.

Me - Brain, can we go to bed now?
Brain - No! I am aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Me - Brain, you're just quoting Blazing Saddles, and I refuse to say ditto.
Brain - Hah! You just did. Ditto you provincial putz?
Me - I hate you so much right now.

The Tables Have Turned!

Me: Why do I have "Send in the Clowns" stuck in my head?
Brain: Because you've watched the Dame Judy Dench version of it twice today after it popped up on Youtube this morning.
Me: Shush brain. I want real reasons, not your fancy voodoo logic!

Grrrr

Brain - Oh hai two am! Long time no see!
Me - It's only been 24 hours. Shaddup.

What a Jerk!

Brain – Oh! Look at the horrific spelling in that status, we should make a comment about it.
Me – Brain, he’s commenting on how depressed he is. I’m not going to try and make him feel worse by pointing out that he can’t use the English language either.
Brain – But it looks horrible, and he should know he’s horrible for typing that.

The First Glimpse

Me - Brain, why do you keep repeating "The Song That Doesn't End"?
Brain - Because someone said they were having lambchops. Now suffer!
Me - *Sobs in corner.*