I'm a Beautiful Snowflake!

While watching a comedian's stand-up special with my father, the comedian makes a joke about random thoughts that come to his head and make him hate himself.

Brain - Did you just tell your dad that I'm like that?
Me - Yes, because you are like that.
Brain - How dare you! How dare you compare me to that plebeian's brain! Name one time I've done something like that.
Me - Ummm, how about Almost as good as Wal-Mart a couple months ago. How about last week when you wanted to make a joke during the inauguration.
Brain - The kid in the Doctor's office deserved it, and you saw how hilarious that audience member was. What was she thinking with that hat?
Me - You're making my point for me.
Brain - You need to take it back. You say that other brain isn't like me.
Me - Are you doing a "Tell me I'm pretty" type whine right now?
Brain - I need self-esteem boosters sometimes too!

Finding the faithful

Brain - You should post up something on the blog and not on Facebook.
Me - Why?
Brain - Because I want to know who is actually a fan and who is just a fair-weather fan.
Me - Really?
Brain - Don't question me. I must weed out the chaff and leave only the true believers.
Me - Are you trying to start a cult? Do you have any idea how messed up that is?
Brain - I can already see someone we'll have to "take care of" has shown his face.
Me - Good luck with that.

Tit for Tat

Brain - Do you really think that going through Facebook and collecting the past seven months of our conversations makes up for the fact that you haven't updated this in seven months?
Me - Not really, but it does make them easier to find.
Brain - You owe me better than that.
Me - You start letting me sleep like a normal person, and I'll consider being more meticulous about updating this blog.

Ultimatum

Me - Listen here head-cold, you need to be completely gone in a couple days. You are not allowed to be even remotely bothering me on Thursday. Understand?
Brain - You realize you're currently talking to a virus. It isn't going to respond.
Me - Says my own brain, which I routinely have conversations with.
Brain - Touché, you're just insane enough for it to work. Carry on.

Whine, whine, whine

Me - Ugh. This stuffy nose and sore throat suck.
Brain - You're whiny when you don't feel good.
Me - Your face is whiny.
Brain - Yeah... That doesn't even make sense.

Glass Houses and All

Brain - Have you noticed the idiots posting things about killing Westboro Baptists and how people who want to arm teachers are morons because they also oppress the teachers?
Me - If you've seen it, I've obviously seen it.
Brain - Do you think they realize that they are hypocritical assholes for making comments about killing people or insinuating that teachers will kill people whilst most of them have also been posting comments about how horrible last Friday was?
Me - Probably not.
Brain - It's as bad as the people at The Voice using Hallelujah as a tribute song for the victims.
Me - You have a point there. Using a song about David/Bathsheba, Samson/Delilah, and sex really isn't a proper tribute song, even if it is hauntingly beautiful and one of my favorite songs.
Brain - You might want to get yourself checked out.
Me - Says my own brain.
Brain - Touché.

Oink

Brain - You realize you're currently trying to do seven things at once, right?
Me - Your point?
Brain - I know I'm awesome at multi-tasking, but this is getting ridiculous.
Me - Quit whining and work faster.
Brain - You know what kind of a joke I want to make right now.
Me - I do, and, despite the fact that you thought it, I am going to refrain from posting it.
Brain - So you're making me do tons of things at once and stifling my creative genius? Fascist pig.
Me - Oink. Oink.

Dance Monkey Dance!

Me: Brain, Kyle says "Happy Birthday"
Brain: And?
Me: He wanted me to tell you and share your reaction with people.
Brain: Oh? Does he think I'm some trained monkey that will dance for his amusement? A puppet on a string to make the people laugh? I refuse to be your toy!
Me: You realize I'm going to post this on Facebook now, right?
Brain: Touché asshole, touché.

Slice of Lemon wrapped 'round a large Gold Brick

Brain - Can we watch "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" right now?
Me - It's 1:30 in the morning. No. Let's go to sleep.
Brain - But I want to think about the fun things like towels, Babel fish, and Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.
Me - Thinking about the description of that drink again, I think I'd love one at times.
Brain - I know right? They say it's the best drink in the univer... Wait a minute, I see what you did there.

Challenge Accepted!

Me - Just about every day recently, my stomach has further solidified its status as my least liked organ.
Brain - And I've had years of insomnia, horrible songs on replay, bad decisions, and general jackassery to get that position originally. That just shows you how much of a jerk Stomach is being. Man, I have to step up my game!
Me - Please don't.

Deja vu

Me - Brain it is 1am, why are we still awake?
Brain - Because "Fuck you!" that's why.
Me - Eloquent and classy as always.
Brain - Damned straight.

Almost as Good as Wal-Mart

Brain - Did you see that?
Me - Brain, don't do this. We're in a Doctor's office.
Brain - I know we are, but did you see that?
Me - Please stop.
Brain - C'mon I know you saw it too.
Me - Fine. Yes, I saw that.
Brain - And they say God doesn't have a sense of humor.
Me - *sigh*

A Jerk of Epic Proportions

Me - Brain, can we go to sleep now?

Brain - No.

Me - Why not?

Brain - No real reason, I just don't feel like it.

Me - So you are just staying awake to be a jerk?

Brain - Pretty much.

There is a difference

Brain - We totally just had one of those moments where we wanted to say something horrible here on Facebook but you wouldn't let me.

Me - Yes. Yes we did.

Brain - Why do you stifle the hilarious things I want to share with the world?

Me - Because, hilarious as they may be, we both know that they're also really mean. I may be evil, but I strive not to be mean.

I really am

Brain - Hey look, Immortals is on Netflix streaming.
Me - What's your point?
Brain - You should watch it.
Me - That was a horrible movie that you spent days complaining about. Why would I watch it again?
Brain - To see if it was really as bad as you thought. Duh.
Me - I'm convinced that you hate me. I really am.

Short Term Memory is the first.... What was I saying?

Me - Alright, home from the store, and I have the stuff to make the hummus I've been craving.
Brain - You know you don't have a food processor, right?
Me - I had forgotten that. Why did you wait until we got back from the store to remind me?
Brain - I figured you remembered.
Me - *Sigh*